I wish i could make you proud

I will always love you my darling husband.
That night you died part of me died too.Its getter better with time Have lost weight not been able to eat alot just do not feel hungry just eat enough to survive.My problem now is I am in a style rut have no idea of what suits me plus I do not buy many things as our son comes first I spend alot of time in black trousers and top hair is getting longer and have gone back to blonde which suits me better am so scared of going forward I feel guilty but I know you would want me to move on you were my first love and taught me so much I was only 16 when we met and we got on so well I was habving problems at home and you saved me I feel like a failure I feel like I am a waste of space not being able to afford much widows parent allowance is not alot but enough for our son and bills means I come bottom of list which is right wish I could have a better life to give our son I am trying to stay positive but its all seems to be going wrong why does life have to be so cruel it should of been me that died not you only because you are clever and I feel a waste of space I miss you so much and am so lost without you.I know I am being selfish when there are people worse off and am ashamed at how I feel.Also had a hard time I was going to hospital for a colonoscpy and you were   down as my next of kin. I asked my sister as I am her next of kin as her husband works away alot going into hospital all on my own having camera up my bum it was ok in the end but you should of been with me we always went together with everything have never felt so alone I was in tears and no one to talk to but I talked to you at night to let you know what I am doing still wear wedding ring but on my right hand now and have your wedding ring on a chain with a locket my family brought me with a picture of you inside and some of your hair which I got when your son wanted to see you at the chapel of rest I asked them to cut some of your hair as I could not doo it I also popped a picture of all three of us when you were happy and healthy in your blazer pocket as thats what I picked to dress you in it was your favourite blazer.