How I feel now your not here

How I feel now your not here

That night you passed away I think i was feeling numb it was if I was in a dream and I would wake up and you would be here with me and our son the next day went in a blur our friend got me to bring all paper work down to change the details as every thing was in your name which I was happy about we did every thing together me and you our friend phoned all companies and the name was changed that same day I picked up your paper work from doctors to which I had to take to registry office to list your death that was very hard especialy as a wedding was taking place the day after you passed on the Monday our friends me and our son went to funeral directors we had to decide on what we wanted to the sort of coffin the flowers and we decided DaD flowers were better than husband we had a big display on your coffin I felt nothing it was if it was somebody else I came home and it was just me and your son alone at home I kept crying and staring at the couch that you sat on had a bad nights sleep the next morning Tuesday I was feeling very angry with everone and myself why did I not notice your simptoms earlier had I missed them did our oncoligist know you were dying did anyone know this would of been our last christmas and new year together one thing that stands out when you decided you wanted to change the car for a newer one you kept on pushing this was after christmas and then you were on internet looking at cars we visited a few places then in January we found the one we like it was a vauxal vectra simular to our mondeo we paid for car then picked it up 2 days later we wanted to put our private number plate on new car we went to dvla I said you can be the owner of the new car but you would not have you insisted it was in my name now when I look back I think you knew something was wrong we sat in bed talking as you spent most time in bed while you were on chemo I remember crying and saying to you whats happening the first thing you said was something about funerals I sad not that subject you told the nurse who came out to flush your hickmen line you thought your tumour in your colon was back as there was a lump she said it could be scar tissue but you knew in Feb you had appointment for another ct scan as the last time you were in hospital your blood and liver results had changed alot I did not understand and thought everything will be ok but they had stopped your chemo after the 3rd session as you were in and out of hospital every time you had chemo by the time we went for your scan you could not walk far i got you a wheelchair what was strange was i did not notice your skin changing colour well i did but tried not to you were looking sicker and sicker it was like i had switched the reality part of my brain off I was scared