i dedicate my blog to my late husband

 while writing my blog still have lots to do on it all my life no one really cared for me like my Tom he taught about life i know things were not good to begin with but he saved me i owe him every thing we never had a lot of money but he was my soul mate best friend and husband in one from the first day i met him there was something about him i liked he was so warming to me when his wife and daughter did not want the hassle of having a girl in care that came with so much baggage we were together 23 years and married for 19 years last may 2010 and we have a lovely son who looks and acts like his dad when you died part of me died that night in  Feb 2010 my heart will always remain broken and that's the way i want it you were my first and only love now you have gone you will always be in my heart and thoughts every single day most days go in a blur i know if you could see me now you would be saying you need to eat more and get out more but i have no interest in food i eat 6 weetabix around six a clock and not much else never feel hungry but eats a little cause the body needs it and I have a son to take care of why oh why did it have to be you that died and not someone else but it was you i try to think that we had so many years together and most of those were wild

losing husband to cancer

I thought we would be together for ever but all the changed when you had Colon Cancer in late  2009 you had a operation to remove the cancer then followed by chemo every other week which made you very ill you were always in hospital after your chemo session then in then 2 months later year you were very poorly your liver blood results were not good and were given an ultra scan but the doctors could not see a lot so you had a ct scan end of of that month we were due to go hospital in the February for the results but you were rushed in on a few days before in February were the local registrar told me you had cancer of the liver and the lining of the stomach and that you were dying you asked me what he said and I told you that was hard later the doctor told me to get our son to the hospital as they thought you were going to dye that night of a heartache the look on our sons face was horrible he could not stop crying when he saw you we stayed till late with our close friends we left late that night and came back in the morning to speak to your oncologist she could not believe the results of the ct scan.
I was also told by the MC millians nurses that did you have a will we did not a friend phoned solicitors not far from hospital to come and see you to make the will you could not talk well as you were on a lot of medication but you were able to sign the will can not believe this was happening to you our son and I visited you all hours as you slept a lot you even had some trifle I brought in at 2.00 in the morning.By Tuesday I decided I wanted you at home the mc millians arranged every thing for us and you came home Wednesday of February  at 4pm you were so happy to be home we had a hospital bed in the living room carers coming in and out all day they were great and you also had a night carer in at 10pm till 8.am so I could get some rest and to make sure someone was with you all the time I was so happy to have you home but by Sunday morning in February things changed the night carer said you had a bad night I called doctor out as you were waving your arms every were and you would not respond to me when doctor came he knew you were in real pain and as well as your key drive medication he gave you a big dose of morphine and a relaxer after that you stayed asleep all day close friends came later that day but by 8.pm your breathing changed and by 9.28pm you took your last breath with my son and me and two close friends by your side you died at 9.30 pm that night I had lost you for ever as my husband father best friend and soul mate my heart was broken and could never be fixed

How I feel now your not here

How I feel now your not here

That night you passed away I think i was feeling numb it was if I was in a dream and I would wake up and you would be here with me and our son the next day went in a blur our friend got me to bring all paper work down to change the details as every thing was in your name which I was happy about we did every thing together me and you our friend phoned all companies and the name was changed that same day I picked up your paper work from doctors to which I had to take to registry office to list your death that was very hard especialy as a wedding was taking place the day after you passed on the Monday our friends me and our son went to funeral directors we had to decide on what we wanted to the sort of coffin the flowers and we decided DaD flowers were better than husband we had a big display on your coffin I felt nothing it was if it was somebody else I came home and it was just me and your son alone at home I kept crying and staring at the couch that you sat on had a bad nights sleep the next morning Tuesday I was feeling very angry with everone and myself why did I not notice your simptoms earlier had I missed them did our oncoligist know you were dying did anyone know this would of been our last christmas and new year together one thing that stands out when you decided you wanted to change the car for a newer one you kept on pushing this was after christmas and then you were on internet looking at cars we visited a few places then in January we found the one we like it was a vauxal vectra simular to our mondeo we paid for car then picked it up 2 days later we wanted to put our private number plate on new car we went to dvla I said you can be the owner of the new car but you would not have you insisted it was in my name now when I look back I think you knew something was wrong we sat in bed talking as you spent most time in bed while you were on chemo I remember crying and saying to you whats happening the first thing you said was something about funerals I sad not that subject you told the nurse who came out to flush your hickmen line you thought your tumour in your colon was back as there was a lump she said it could be scar tissue but you knew in Feb you had appointment for another ct scan as the last time you were in hospital your blood and liver results had changed alot I did not understand and thought everything will be ok but they had stopped your chemo after the 3rd session as you were in and out of hospital every time you had chemo by the time we went for your scan you could not walk far i got you a wheelchair what was strange was i did not notice your skin changing colour well i did but tried not to you were looking sicker and sicker it was like i had switched the reality part of my brain off I was scared